If You Are Struggling, I Hope These Words Find You.

My path to recovery was anything but pretty. It was downright disturbing. For a while I had accepted the fact that I would use drugs and alcohol until I died. I was unable to cope with my emotions. Everything was an excuse to use. Highs, lows, it didn’t matter. I had a laundry list of reservations. I was obsessed with pushing the edge as far as I possibly could. I was searching for the perfect concoction to take me away from everyone and everything. The setting never mattered to me. From trap houses in cities to campsites at music festivals, I wanted to push my body and mind to the brink. I now realize it was unconscious behavior. I now realize that I am lucky to be alive.

Some people roll their eyes when others talk about recovery and God. That’s their prerogative. Guess what though, when I was out there barely existing in a state of utter despair, I was fueled by the hope of somebody else and my faith in a power greater than myself. We must all take a second to remind ourselves of this. Don’t be quick to discredit another’s journey when your life has been a Nerf war compared to the beaches of Normandy.

When I was in the grips of my addiction, I would do anything to anyone to get the next one. I thought opiates were my savior. Then I combined them with cocaine. Then I combined those with benzos. Sure, I substituted ketamine for opiates and benzos at times. It was socially acceptable in some of the circles that I frequented. Plus I used to thoroughly enjoy it. I used anything and everything in excess. I rarely slept. I stayed up for days on end more times than I can honestly count. I beat the shit out of my body, but I now realize that my disease was attempting to murder my spirit. My spirit has brought me so much creative fulfillment. I feel joy when I am creating, by myself or with others. I took it for granted. I traded it for bundles and eight balls throughout my twenties. When the dope man told me to jump, I jumped. When he told me to wait, I waited. I can wholeheartedly admit that I was the dealer’s bitch.

I wanted to be the life of the party because I didn’t love myself. When I found weed at 12, I eventually ended up smoking it every single day. I loved it. I remember getting alcohol poisoning from Bacardi 151 around that same time. It was like guzzling gasoline. It definitely got the job done though. After that, I always viewed booze as something that you’re supposed to be able to handle. It was time to move on to harder things. I was immature and ignorant. My friends and I got into stronger chemicals at an early age. It’s just the way things were. Some of them ended up dying. Many saw where it was heading and had enough sense to turn back to shore, I sailed into the abyss. I always felt like I was searching for something and I finally found it. Drugs wouldn’t turn their back on me. I could always count on them to be there. They were the wind in my sails and they brought me where I needed to be. This is what I used to believe.

It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself. It’s easy to submit to the weight of regret as it crushes you when your head hits the pillow. I don’t know a lot about life. I don’t know how to stay clean. I don’t know how to live life on life’s terms. I don’t know how to be the man I want to be. I do know that I am sensitive. I do know that I am creative. I do know that I am semi-intelligent. I do know that I am capable of achieving anything that I set my mind to. I do know that I am loyal. I do know that I am tough enough to withstand pain. I do know that I am here for a reason. I also know that I have wasted a lot of time and a lot of talent. I also know that I fumbled a lot of great opportunities. My way doesn’t work though, so I have to trust in God. Maybe I was supposed to walk through the fire in order to reach the strangers out there who need me the most; this is what I tell myself. This is what I believe.

At 29 years old, I am picking up the pieces and working on rebuilding myself: physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially. It is no easy task. It’s easy to get high and drunk. It’s hard to stay clean and sober. If I can help myself, I know that I can help others. When I look into my heart, that is honestly all I want to do. I want to inspire and impact human beings to follow their feelings and work through the fear that comes with growth. My work has only just begun. They say, “Don’t leave before the miracle happens.” Well, I have always been attracted to miracles, so I think I’m going to stick around.