I Was Never Afraid Of Death; I Was Afraid Of Failure

I was never afraid of death. I was afraid of failure. When that feeling became too heavy, I subconsciously tried to kill myself with what I was most familiar with. Years ago, I decided to dedicate my life to the things I felt held the most meaning. I knew it would be a difficult quest and I prepared myself the best I could with whatever tools I could find. The odds have always been stacked against me and i’ve learned to love it. I never wanted an office job. I never wanted a union job. It’s not that I was lazy. I just wanted to pour myself into the work that mattered most to me. I wanted to do something that many people scoffed at… and still scoff at.

I have friends that are in finance and accounting. I have friends that are in carpentry. Me? I had to learn how to balance and save my life before I could start the restoration of my interior. Now that it’s actually underway, I combat the self-doubt that riddles my spirit with prescriptions of life lessons from the great ones who were mad enough to stay on the path when it presented everything but promise. It’s easy to tap out when the unescapable realities of this bare existence pin you into the ground. Many do. I don’t blame them. I will continue to charge into battle and if it comes to that point, which it very well may, I will have no choice but to fall on my sword.

A pilgrimage of sorts will take place this Spring. I shall head West to set out on a voyage of spiritual enrichment as a free man for the very first time. The trail that I am following is unclear but the mission is as crystal as the waters of Lake Tahoe. I heard that God rests in the Pacific Northwest after the Vernal Equinox. There is only one way to find out. I feel the demons nipping at my heels like cracked out Yorkshire Terriers whenever I stay in a state of stagnancy for too long. The overfamiliarity of people, places, and things is carbon monoxide poisoning to my mind.

I never prayed for money. I prayed for the freedom that achievement of my mission will grant me. I will take this ritualistic approach in hopes of finding what it is that I am searching for. Nothing is promised in this life besides let down and the crater-sized hole of unfulfillment, so don’t get too high on optimism or too drunk on pessimism. The Devil sets booby traps where you’d least expect them. I know this all too well so as I move forward, I will always watch my step. I’m committed to finishing what I started… and if I don’t, I will die trying.